I feel like abortions should bother me more
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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