I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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