I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
