She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
