walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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