Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
