Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
