he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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