she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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