She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
