i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
