Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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