i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
