I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
