Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
