i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You are a genius and a whore.
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