And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
