So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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