Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
