bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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