I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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