Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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