I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
