I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
