the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
