I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
