I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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