just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
