My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
