that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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