it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
