that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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