The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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