you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
