so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
