Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
