I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
