i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
