Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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