In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
