How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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