remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
