I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
