Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
