If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
