I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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