just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
