Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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