I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
