she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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