If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
