i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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