Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
